SatHERday...

Teri continues to move forward and is feeling quite well, hooray! ONLY 5 more weeks of recovery.

AND FOR THE SKEPTICS....



last night's gut enhancer.....this boy can read and follow a recipe.....being married for 22 years, following instructions comes naturally.....

I was reflecting today and was left curious this week when Teri was in the hospital. It seems like the two most important concerns prior to dismissal from the hospital were 1) Have you passed gas? 2) How is your bladder output? So, are 'bad' and 'good' the only way to measure these? I mean you can't just say "my temperature is good" or "my blood pressure feels fine" and you are good to be released--there is always some medical measuring device that confirms what you are feeling, is there not?

Well lo and behold, as the lovely wife was in Percoset heaven today, Homer Homemaker discovered those measuring devices of which she had not revealed to me--yes, testing apparatus do indeed exist--see the pictures!

Gasometer

Bladometer

Well, me being the curious one, had to perform some health testing. The gasometer was fairly simple to figure out how to use, but I just found it perplexing the tubular end would be shaped more like a mouthpiece--why couldn't they go 'round'? Anyway, after experiencing some discomfort at the point of entry, I knew the value of an important seal and adjusted appropriately. There was a "2,500" mark on the container, so I knew that was my target. After several cups of coffee and some chocolate chip cookies, I was quite confident in my potential. I rared back and uncorked a THIRTY TWO HUNDRED---Olympic gold!

The bladometer was much more comfortable to use. It looked like the scoring range was anywhere between 100 and 900. Looking at the top, it had some smaller 'pop-up' ports, clearly for youth testing. I removed the entire top and poured out an "800". Clearly, caffeine had great value with both testing instruments. I declared myself healthy and remain ever so fond of home health care!

The sofa princess awoke and I was anxious to share my discovery and results. To my surprise and devestation, she stated I had used her lung strength meter and her water jug--Y I K E S. But as one who is forever prepared, I got out the alcohol towelettes from the first aid kit---couple of swabs-- they are good to go again!

Tonite's Meal...

My cupcake apron makes me look like I have a 5 month pregnant uterus....

Breakfast pizza, before......


After....and between the 3 of us, ALL GONE (dog did not participate)!

Teri's mom arrived into town...Kelli, Dan, Brynn also stopped in bearing a gift...

Well, I am running low on blog fodder (don't be yelling Hallelujah), so I am going in for 8hrs of overtime tomorrow at the 911 center and am entrusting Teri's care to our 17 year old, now those could be some anxious moments....

Day Four...

• Teri commented earlier she was uncertain if she was enjoying being the brunt of my blog fodder. I affectionately shared she merely is the "center of my attention".

• Big day--hysterectomy staple removal! In the interest of gas and co-pay savings, I offered Teri to sterilize my needle nose pliers, she declined. She also refused to join in with me on the following idea. I wanted to go down to the local magic shop and buy a spring-loaded parasite (think "The Alien" movie-remember this scene?). I wanted to tuck the prop below a huge bandage on her belly and when the nurse went to go remove the gauze pad-- LAUNCH TIME! She again declined. Teri's mom arrives in 5 days and I am telling her that her daughter does not play well with others.

• After the successful removal of 13 staples, we went out to Qdoba for lunch. Teri repeatedly and uncharacteristically raved about the naked burrito she was enjoying (Dr. said that was the only thing naked she could have for 6 weeks). I came home and looked up her enthusiastic behavior in our "Love Language Translator" guide--translated, "Wife despises husband's cooking". Who would of thunk?

• Nurse called tonight, pathology report all benign---praises!! They did find the fibroids after all. I guess my introverted wife had bashful 'roids as they were hiding inside the uterus.
  

• Back home to my housekeeping duties--our feather duster--someone missing their Punk Rock bird?

• Dinner tonight---Mexican Open Face Sammiches--yummy!

• I need your forgiveness in advance, but have to share this thought I had when I was in the surgical waiting room for 4 hours on Monday. You know many employers allow you to dress up for Halloween. How cool is this idea if you are a Recovery Room Nurse and are monitoring patients coming out of anesthesia--dress up as Jesus! Make sure you have a video camera as you could make some big bank submitting your results to various TV networks. Please be compassionate and fore go the costume for cardiac patients. I know what you are thinking, Dave needs more counseling. I will ask Dryer Ball therapist for a referral.

• Finally, should I be concerned? As I walked by Teri surfing the internet, I noticed she was logged in to WebMD.com--she was searching "MISTER-ectomy". That sounds bad for me, like I may be seeing the real Jesus soon...

Gotta run, like reallllly run (before she reads this)...

Tonight's Delicacy

Yes, I rolled out the Sportsman's Menu. I have had some recent outdoor success and wanted to share the bounty with my wife. The main entree was a fish sandwich which I reeled in from nearby Standley Lake late Summer. I think the limit was a dozen, so I stopped fishing at that point. To my surprise, they were square-shaped, but that worked out just fine.

The side dish were buffalo fries. Now that story was a bit more adventurous as Sarah Palin phoned a few weeks ago when she was in town for a rally and wanted me to be her hunting guide as she had never harvested a bison. I told her I knew of a place but it was protected as it was a nature preserve. Well, Sarah being SLIGHTLY rebellious, insisted I act as a 'lookout' for the authorities while she zeroed in--bang! Check out her success. Long story short (it's probably too late), we took the buffalo in for processing. While I was busy in the restroom, Sarah instructed the butcher, Mr. Kroger, she wanted all steaks and I wanted only potatoes. I was just grateful he put them in a sealable bag. Teri passed on the taters, said they tasted 'gamey'.

Have you noticed the sammich theme? You have probably concluded my culinary skills are limited, but you are mistaken. This is all strategy. I usually roll out caviar on my nights to cook and have known to whip up some steak tartar (merely a fancy name for road kill--think about it), but I have to temper my menu as mother-in-law is arriving in a few days. I wanted to show my compassionate side and did not want her to feel intimidated by my kitchen competence. I am all about building up her esteem as undoubtedly her BBQ brisket and homemade enchiladas will put my menu to shame, all intended. Five days and counting...

Inspired by a true story....

Housekeeping....

Dave's Top 10 Discoveries....

1) Women have more clothes than men

2) Dogs shed

3) Technology advancements have not resulted in a quieter vacuum cleaner

4) Cycling shorts left too long in the laundry results in noxious odor

5) I was sent to store for prunes--M&Ms bail (poop)out plan was a failure. Prunes have been renamed to Premium Pitted, Dried Plums Plus--no lie! I am calling Oscar Mayer and proposing Tubular Steaks.

6) Note to men doing laundry--when removing brassieres from the dryer, check the cups--I found a pair of ankle socks nestled today.

7) I cannot iron my silky thongs on the "high" setting.

8) Calling Molly Maids to ask if they have a "businessman special" to include a back massage results in immediate disconnect.

9) Bleach added to 'colored' items produce groovy, tie-dyed underwear, shirts and pants.

10) First day of counseling went well. The counselor called it "Maytag Castrophobia" and reassured me by saying "Dryer balls are your friends".

Inspired by a true story...gotta run..

First Meal !

(click photo to begin drooling)

I was tasked with trying to compete with the hospital's abundant menu choices. So, I prepared well and presented the following fine dining experience to my darling wife.

Entree:
Steaks a la Tubular encased in a French croissant a la cylinder

Side Dish Choices:
Tortillas a la frito cheeps
Cucumbers ala dwarfs

Garnishments:
Mustard a la baby poop-on
Queso con che-dar'
Onie-ahns con teardrops

Dessert:
Vanilla ice cream with a light pink sauce' ala Pepto Bismol

Mission accomplished! Gotta run, Rachel Ray is on the phone for me......

Announcing the arrival of...

Great to have her back at our castle!

I arrived about 9a.m. to go retrieve our patient and she was pretty much set, all dressed back in her civilian clothes with nothing exposed. She stated the doctor had been in and all was set. Although she hadn't had her 'magical M&M moment', the nurse declared her bowels, through the stethoscope, sounded like they were just fine. THROUGH THE STETHOSCOPE?? My wife says mine are too loud and she is in another room. If ever there be a need for a nurse to listen to my bowels that closely, she is risking a perforated ear drum! I digress.

The doc commented that she will probably now fit into smaller clothes-wow! At the pre-op visit last Thursday, she said Teri's belly was the equivalent of a '5 month pregnancy'. In man-speak, a 12-pack a nite belly. I showed great restraint as I was tempted to rebut "maybe 3 months pregnancy, 2 months home-made ice cream maker". But I declare, seeing in her in her capris, it is ALL gone! This is a great deal--a C-section where they found no baby, a tummy tuck without the price--I love health insurance.

So, I went down to the hospital pharmacy and got her Percoset. We then headed home and she requested we swing by the liquid pharmacy, so a Starbucks pumpkin spice accompanied us the rest of the way home.

She is at home resting comfortable enjoying catching up on the 900 pending emails. I told her to enjoy today as the "100 daily sit ups" program starts tomorrow!

Got to go and plan dinner, now that will be an adventure...

Til next time...

Good News....

• Teri just called and they are releasing her this morning! She has not had the magical moment yet, but good to go regardless. I forgot to leave the M&Ms over night, so that is probably the cause.
  

• Next, dryer balls are real, go here to learn more. I assure you I would rather deal with the static electricity versus a static heartbeat. The internet versions are less scarier than the wifely ones. Seriously, I thought she had authored a book on how to "scare straight"your husband into laundry compliance. So, I think the best compromise I will suggest is to drop the flesh colored look.

• We got a good luck at Teri's incision. The surgeon clearly did not excel in geometry.

• Now I am panicked- she is coming home and I am now the chef. Get this--her hospital had Room Service ANYTIME you wanted it--got a craving, give them a call and they were there in minutes. Items like talapia, top sirloin, cheesecake, etc. were all on the menu. So, I am working on the home menu when she arrives. So far:

BREAKFAST: Coffee
LUNCH: Sammich
DINNER: Coffee and sammich

• Laundry--I am for cost cutting and energy savings. Is it an acceptable practice to invert, turn inside out, my whitie-tighties to wear 2 days in a row? Let me know...

• Gotta run, need to go find that vacuum thingy ma jingy...
  

My Princess and My Castle...

Teri....

• Internet Get Well balloons--free--what a deal! Now I just need a laptop to take to her so she can see what I got her..

• Spoke to her via phone prior to arriving at 830 a.m. She said she slept very well, had a good liquid breakfast and was pretty much pain free. Also, she added she was catheter-free. SHUCKS, I wanted to take a quart of cranberry juice and pour it into the discharge container and watch the nurses reaction when she noted the change! (I told you all I needed prayer).

• When I arrived, she was just getting ready to go the potty, which I understand is a good sign. She walked in with minimal assistance and returned to sit down in the chair to hang out with me and watch TV for several hours. Her pain remained insignificant, so they weened her off the morphine and she is now on Percoset. The drugs combined with her first full meal (chicken quesadillas) we believe was going to be a great nap recipe, so Austin and I left her for a few hours. She should go on her 1st significant walk after the nap.

• She is being well taken care of in Denver's newest hospital. They have an admirable vision statement "to become the Best in Nation in compassionate care" which they are truly striving for. BUT, what is up with the hospital gowns? I mean seriously--my wife looks great in anything she wears, but is the only option the "Vicky Secret Full Moon" gown? I get cold chills just looking at her.
  

• Dr. is thinking possible discharge (there is that word again) tomorrow afternoon. I guess one of the true 'back to normal' indicators for this procedure is having a bowel movement. So, when I return tonight, I am taking her some M&Ms as a reward and have my best fatherly "you are such a big girl" voice rehearsed.
  

• Forgot to mention, Teri was happy to hear surgeon did perform the Bikini cut. Of course, that prompted me to think--down the road if I need to have my prostate tampered with,what do I ask for-- "Speedo" cut, "Male Dancer" cut? Help me out with the terminology.
  

On the home front....

• First words out my17 year olds mouth this a.m.--"YOUUU made coffee?"..

• Before starting some housecleaning, I did some internet searching on the benefits of dust to the human body and got--"Your search produced no results"---WHAT!! Google is NOT my friend..

• To Teri's beloved "Ruby Moms" and friends--she had, as of this morning, 391 emails in her mailbox from your group--your task is to get the number up to 1,000 by Wednesday afternoon--the more she has to read, the less she will notice my sub-standard home cleaning..

• And for the BIG NEWS, first check out the photo below...I am not even kidding you, my first wifely order, I mean suggestion, was that I pull the linens from the dryer which she had done prior to surgery and fold them. Lo and behold, what you see in the photo was the first thing that stared at me as I peered into the dryer. Like Paul Revere exalting the British are coming, I came upstairs whooping and a hollering "I found the fibroids, I found the fibroids". I called her immediately to share the revelation. Her response, those are "dryer balls". After giving myself a Lance Armstrong testicular inspection, I then blurted out--- "D R Y E RRRRR BALLS?" Well my lovely Blog followers, a definition is forthcoming on my next update.
  

Clearly your prayers have worked for the love of my life, but I am still a work in progress...til next time....

Yes !

(5) Texas 38, Colorado 14

Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog....

"Dad--over here!"

"Check this out!"

"Do you see what I see above our back fence?"

"And just think--mom thinks I am going blind cause I am 12 years old-I showed her--huh!!"

Yup, the Shelly-Belly is still irritated this new backyard raccoon won't come down and play..

High-Fives

:) Austin ran a PR (personal record) for his 5K cross country meet at 20:07 ---I told him he has "breaking 20 minutes" in him, couple more meets to go!

:) Teri added oil to her car for the 1st time since I have known her (1978)..

Now aren't those worth celebrating......

Piggy-backing....

...on last week's thoughts, link to another blogger's link and call it good--here you go ...........

A Perfect Weekend Defined...

Univ of Colorado 17 West Virginia 14

University of Texas 52 Rice 10

Denver Broncos 34 New Orleans Saints 32

Dallas Cowboys 27 Green Bay Packers 16

Yup, the four teams I follow are a combined 12-0 in their 1st three weeks of play!!

She Has Passed Me By.....

The easiest way to blog is to link to someone else, so here you go ....Teri has learned from the best :)

Your humble blogger.....

Lonesome Dove

146 acre site 35 miles northeast of Denver is where Cam and I arrived at 630 am today to take in some mourning dove hunting. On opening day 10 days ago, there were 100 hunters sharing an acre each. When we arrived, we were the only ones around.

The closest thing to see a real dove were the six decoys Cam had placed above his head...


Trying to stay awake-- thank goodness for the thermos of coffee nearby....

The main deterrent--a cold front moving in from the North and a bit breezy kept the birds away..based upon our discussion with the DOW officer, we suspect our dove friends have continued their migration to the South...

Cam returning from blasting some practice bird, perhaps a swallow of some sorts....

We still had a great time hanging out together for several hours in the flatlands of Colorado. I told Cam if he ever hunted near Aunt Sissy's and Uncle Jon's 4,000 acres of leased land he would never return to bird hunt in Colorado. Oh the memories of South Texas bird hunting in September, there were many great ones!

Happy Birthday !

The queen of the house turns......Happy Birthday! To celebrate, we are going here to enjoy a few special day calories and then out to Red Lobster for dinner. Did I ever share we are both gaining weight?

From the Inside Out

Folks are always excited when I tell them I work for a 911 center with the usual comment of "Wow, that must be exciting"! My standard response has always been "Well, 80% boredom, 20% panic---we get paid for the panic".

I just thought I would share my past week, nothing special at all--no Columbine High School tragedy, no Democratic Convention, etc.- just the average week in an emergency call center. Some calls tragic, a few serious, a share that are humorous and many confirming the notion of the 'dumbing of America'. None of this information is embellished or exaggerated, it truly is an inside peek of this past week.

^^^^^^^^^^

911 caller: Yes, can I have your non-emergency phone number?

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911 caller: I just returned from walking my dog and my 45 year old boyfriend is dead in the shower.

^^^^^^^^^^

911 caller: I need paramedics because I just stabbed two people.
Response: You stabbed two people?
911 caller: Yes, I am schizophrenic living on the streets and two teen boys were trying to take my wallet and I stabbed both of them in the chest.

^^^^^^^^^^

911 caller (frantic): I need someone out here now, I see two huge reindeer!
Response: Mam, out here we call those elk.

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911 caller: My name is Bill and I need to report my $5,000 crown has been stolen.
Response: Sir, your crown has been stolen?
911 caller: Yes, I am your State's Drag Queen Champion and I am missing my gold crown.

^^^^^^^^^^

911 Caller: Can you send an officer by my house, I have a raccoon stuck in my back yard tree and I need him removed.

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911 caller: I need paramedics immediately. My 2 year old son was at the top of my stairs and fell backwards down to the bottom and has gone into a seizure and is vomiting.

^^^^^^^^^^

911 caller: Yes, I am sitting in my office looking out the window into a field and I see something. I am not sure what it is, but if you could have Animal Control respond as it is either a dog or a puma.

^^^^^^^^^^

Officer is dispatched on a hearing impaired 85 year old who is clearly disoriented and probably in need of care. When we check on the officer's status, he responds: "Well, she has her hearing aid in but can't hear me and I am standing 3 feet from her. But yet she is claiming she is hearing all kinds of voices in her head".

^^^^^^^^^^

Caller: Can you have Animal Control check the north side of the reservoir. I see a pelican who looks like it has swallowed an extension cord, part of it is hanging out of its mouth and the cord is trailing it when he flies.

^^^^^^^^^^

911 Caller: I need an ambulance as I have just been stabbed.
Response: Do you know who stabbed you?
911 Caller: Yes, I thought it was a chick. She was standing on the corner and I just told her she looked hot and then HE said he was a transvestite and for some reason didn't appreciate the compliment and turned around and stabbed me.

^^^^^^^^^^

911 Caller: Yes, I work at a tanning salon and I just went into the liquor store next door and their only employee on duty--well---she is passed out drunk on the floor.

So there you go, a sampler platter from this past week's 911 archives. Hope you enjoyed and, if nothing else, you know that every single gray hair I have has been earned in honest.

Til next time.....

New Ride!

Good things come to those who wait. After perusing Craigslist for more than a month, Austin hit a home run when his found this! Mint condition 1991 Nissan Extended Cab 4x4 with the V6 engine it and only 99K miles on it. A divorcee had pretty much owned it since new and had it always garaged. She essentially only used it on bad weather days. A great find!

His Honda is an automatic, so he is just working on perfecting his 5 speed skills. In the mean time, we are in the process of perhaps moving as many as 4 other vehicles by year's end as part of early planning for Texas move. We will keep you posted as we know how much it is to buy and sell used cars, don't we!

Da Gazelle

Austin kicks it in to pass one last runner before finishing his first cross country meet of the season! He finished the 5K at 21:59, a few seconds slower than last year, but it was 15 degrees warmer this season. Tough course as there are 2 significant climbs that are no fun in the heat. There is one period in September where he races 5 times in a 12 day stretch. Somewhere along the line he hopes to pass his personal best of last year which was right around 20:30. We will keep you posted....

D.N.C.

Well, Denver will be in the worldwide spotlight as the Democratic National Convention comes to town. Working in law enforcement, it is a big deal. Our agency alone is loaning out 135 officers who will be assigned to the Pepsi Center working 12 hrs shifts through Thursday night. Personally, it is sad that we are spending $90 million dollars (40 mill to host it and 50 million dollar grant for security) for what amounts to a stuff-coat party. Maybe it is just me, but doesn't cancer research, to name just one, need a few more pennies for research? And yes, I would say the same about the R.N.C. that starts in Minneapolis after the D.N.C. closes its doors.

Regardless, Denver is hopping, including Rocky Mtn Metro Airport where I cycled out to see Cam, who turned 20 years old yesterday, working an 18 hour shift. As the photos verify, he does actually work. Teri drove out a bit later to get a glimpse.

A Gulfstream III dropping a load of passengers. Cam said it was some Senator's staff, but he could not recall who.

Cam marshalling up the plane.

Ted Turner is in town....

Cam exiting the tug as the reposition the jet out of the way for the week.

A couple of Blackhawks will be stationed at our nearby airport and will be circling the Denver metro area looking for aircraft that should NOT be airborne. Airspace for about a 10 mile radius will be very restricted with orders to "escort" those who violate from now until Thursday night.

We are praying for an uneventful week!