Yikes

Not trying to gain sympathy, but one week after my 2nd bike Fall this season, I officially have "old people" bruising--the kind that keeps spreading--what is up with that?? But I still do have all the hair on my legs, so not THAT old..

Yup, at the 29.5 mile mark of a 30 mile ride I was cycling up behind an older lady (the kind that gets bruises like mine) walking her dog. I announced my presence with my trusty Power Ranger bell and she made eye contact with me and reeled her pup in. As I approached, I saw she still had slack in the leash and her dog proceeded to venture out in front of me. So off the sidewalk I went and when I tried to get back on it, my front wheel got sideways with the sidewalk and once again this 220 pound projectile went over my bike, striking my leg against my frame. I rolled across the sidewalk and down a hill about 10 feet headed toward a ditch before coming to a rest.

Well, the kind old soul came up to make sure I was OK and then announced "on the Olympic scoring system, I would give your fall about an "8". I then quickly calculated the prison term for Assault on the Elderly and Animal Cruelty and decided it wasn't worth it...

And my Power Ranger bell-- destroyed :(

Til next time...

Thanks!

....to my wonderful mother-in-law who cared for her daughter as I returned back to work and who has safely returned to the Lone Star State....my belly is evidence of her splendid brisket, enchiladas, brownies and apple pies and the house is as clean as ever....I remember when I buried my last parent realizing while I had lost my natural parents, I still was blessed to have parental figures in my life with Teri's parents and we can't wait to return to our Texas roots to be closer to them...

FALL-orado

From the perch of a bicycle seat, enjoy the photos of COLOR-ado. It is entirely possible by next Fall, you may be seeing photos of the Texas Hill Country. To truly capture the beauty I see, select each photo to enlarge....

Pop!

Simple...

Trail riding, much safer than the concrete I once again splattered myself on yesterday...

Our first metro snow front appears to be on the horizon...

Pristine....

We can compete against Vermont...

Floaters...

Serenity....

Standley Lake saying goodbye to yet another Fall....

Ole Glory...

Equestrian peace......

My Cigar Smoking Dog...

Demented....

Another 8 hour overtime Sunday...I wish I could share the usual collection of "I can't believe people called you on 911 for that" stories....today, we have only one offering, but it made local headlines, so enjoy here .......once again, I will end with "there is simply no way I can make that up"....

Bad Boys

Check out the shine on mom-in-laws brownies--that's what 10, 000 calories of butter, sugar and chocolate look like when applied to the top of the delish dessert!

Teri continues to make remarkable progress!

I am passing the baton....

Help has arrived as I return back to work tomorrow. We usually have pink roses here for her, but this time we switched pink themes-- got her one per day that she is here helping us...

Molly Maid Jr. (injured) and Molly Maid Sr....

My specialty for my final night of kitchen duty....before picture of Steaks Diane (ground beef, seasoned patties, sauteed onions and mushrooms), mashed potatoes and, arriving late to the party, green beans....

The final product....

Last, but not least, mother-in-law has been warned in advance of the surprise that awaits her....

ReCap

Hard to believe 7 days have elapsed since the surgery, time flies as they say when you are having so much fun...in the past week, we have learned:

1) My cooking has not produced any weight loss
2) Austin loves his dad's menu
3) Emerald is spelled Emeril
4) Fibroids like to play hide and seek
5) My mom-in-law will be a welcomed addition to our home tomorrow morning
6) Dryer Balls, whose only purpose is to reduce static electricity, have a life span (that my wife did not tell me of). I touched the metal door know today and my underwear exploded!

Tonight's Meal...

Teri wanted to give me a break from cooking today (perform your own translation), so we ate out here .

Day 6 Recovery...

The household queen continues to be on the mend, almost all day without any pain meds! Hopefully, she is saving a few for my insomnia difficulties. I am also letting her heal emotional issues she has suffered from my blogging, so we will mostly leave her alone today.

I went into work an 8 hour overtime shift today. It is really hard to get material from people missing their uterus, but we in the 911 biz are never short of fodder. It is never a question of having enough to blog about, just a question of how much I want to edit out. So, we will just highlight a few:

Caller #1: "Yes, I think I need paramedics. I awoke this morning and I fell overnight in the kitchen. And now I just noticed my 90 year old mother has fallen in the living room, so we both need help getting up".

Caller #2:" Hello, I am at the Belmar shopping center and I was walking out to my car and noticed I had a shoe lace untied. I sat down on a bench to tie my shoe and laid my car keys next to me. As I was tying my shoe, I looked over and a squirrel grabbed my keys and he is now way up in the tree just holding my keys and staring down at me".

Caller #3: "Yes, my neighbor just came and knocked on my door and said he was fighting with his roommate. He then ran right back to his address where the fight was taking place at".

Caller #4: "Hi, my neighbor just got released from the hospital a couple days ago and they gave him some extended length Q-tips so he could apply some medication in his nasal cavity. Well, he ran out of them last night so I tried to improvise. I got a regular length Q-tip and stuck a toothpick into the bottom end of the Q-tip. He inserted the Q-tip up in his nose and the toothpick separated, so he now has the Q-tip stuck up in his nose and cannot reach in to pull it out".

...............you can't make that kind of stuff up.....................

Tonight's Offering.....

The recipe--5 tbsp of Crisco for 12 biscuits--clearly, recipe was pre-heart disease days....and did you note, "Bake at 425" BUT NO TIME FRAME. Only real men can handle instructions such as these....

Kitchen Aid mixers are a must have for Homer Homemakers...

.

Yup, had to use college algebra to make 3/4 recipe...

Wolah! Emerald, step aside.....

SatHERday...

Teri continues to move forward and is feeling quite well, hooray! ONLY 5 more weeks of recovery.

AND FOR THE SKEPTICS....



last night's gut enhancer.....this boy can read and follow a recipe.....being married for 22 years, following instructions comes naturally.....

I was reflecting today and was left curious this week when Teri was in the hospital. It seems like the two most important concerns prior to dismissal from the hospital were 1) Have you passed gas? 2) How is your bladder output? So, are 'bad' and 'good' the only way to measure these? I mean you can't just say "my temperature is good" or "my blood pressure feels fine" and you are good to be released--there is always some medical measuring device that confirms what you are feeling, is there not?

Well lo and behold, as the lovely wife was in Percoset heaven today, Homer Homemaker discovered those measuring devices of which she had not revealed to me--yes, testing apparatus do indeed exist--see the pictures!

Gasometer

Bladometer

Well, me being the curious one, had to perform some health testing. The gasometer was fairly simple to figure out how to use, but I just found it perplexing the tubular end would be shaped more like a mouthpiece--why couldn't they go 'round'? Anyway, after experiencing some discomfort at the point of entry, I knew the value of an important seal and adjusted appropriately. There was a "2,500" mark on the container, so I knew that was my target. After several cups of coffee and some chocolate chip cookies, I was quite confident in my potential. I rared back and uncorked a THIRTY TWO HUNDRED---Olympic gold!

The bladometer was much more comfortable to use. It looked like the scoring range was anywhere between 100 and 900. Looking at the top, it had some smaller 'pop-up' ports, clearly for youth testing. I removed the entire top and poured out an "800". Clearly, caffeine had great value with both testing instruments. I declared myself healthy and remain ever so fond of home health care!

The sofa princess awoke and I was anxious to share my discovery and results. To my surprise and devestation, she stated I had used her lung strength meter and her water jug--Y I K E S. But as one who is forever prepared, I got out the alcohol towelettes from the first aid kit---couple of swabs-- they are good to go again!

Tonite's Meal...

My cupcake apron makes me look like I have a 5 month pregnant uterus....

Breakfast pizza, before......


After....and between the 3 of us, ALL GONE (dog did not participate)!

Teri's mom arrived into town...Kelli, Dan, Brynn also stopped in bearing a gift...

Well, I am running low on blog fodder (don't be yelling Hallelujah), so I am going in for 8hrs of overtime tomorrow at the 911 center and am entrusting Teri's care to our 17 year old, now those could be some anxious moments....

Day Four...

• Teri commented earlier she was uncertain if she was enjoying being the brunt of my blog fodder. I affectionately shared she merely is the "center of my attention".

• Big day--hysterectomy staple removal! In the interest of gas and co-pay savings, I offered Teri to sterilize my needle nose pliers, she declined. She also refused to join in with me on the following idea. I wanted to go down to the local magic shop and buy a spring-loaded parasite (think "The Alien" movie-remember this scene?). I wanted to tuck the prop below a huge bandage on her belly and when the nurse went to go remove the gauze pad-- LAUNCH TIME! She again declined. Teri's mom arrives in 5 days and I am telling her that her daughter does not play well with others.

• After the successful removal of 13 staples, we went out to Qdoba for lunch. Teri repeatedly and uncharacteristically raved about the naked burrito she was enjoying (Dr. said that was the only thing naked she could have for 6 weeks). I came home and looked up her enthusiastic behavior in our "Love Language Translator" guide--translated, "Wife despises husband's cooking". Who would of thunk?

• Nurse called tonight, pathology report all benign---praises!! They did find the fibroids after all. I guess my introverted wife had bashful 'roids as they were hiding inside the uterus.
  

• Back home to my housekeeping duties--our feather duster--someone missing their Punk Rock bird?

• Dinner tonight---Mexican Open Face Sammiches--yummy!

• I need your forgiveness in advance, but have to share this thought I had when I was in the surgical waiting room for 4 hours on Monday. You know many employers allow you to dress up for Halloween. How cool is this idea if you are a Recovery Room Nurse and are monitoring patients coming out of anesthesia--dress up as Jesus! Make sure you have a video camera as you could make some big bank submitting your results to various TV networks. Please be compassionate and fore go the costume for cardiac patients. I know what you are thinking, Dave needs more counseling. I will ask Dryer Ball therapist for a referral.

• Finally, should I be concerned? As I walked by Teri surfing the internet, I noticed she was logged in to WebMD.com--she was searching "MISTER-ectomy". That sounds bad for me, like I may be seeing the real Jesus soon...

Gotta run, like reallllly run (before she reads this)...

Tonight's Delicacy

Yes, I rolled out the Sportsman's Menu. I have had some recent outdoor success and wanted to share the bounty with my wife. The main entree was a fish sandwich which I reeled in from nearby Standley Lake late Summer. I think the limit was a dozen, so I stopped fishing at that point. To my surprise, they were square-shaped, but that worked out just fine.

The side dish were buffalo fries. Now that story was a bit more adventurous as Sarah Palin phoned a few weeks ago when she was in town for a rally and wanted me to be her hunting guide as she had never harvested a bison. I told her I knew of a place but it was protected as it was a nature preserve. Well, Sarah being SLIGHTLY rebellious, insisted I act as a 'lookout' for the authorities while she zeroed in--bang! Check out her success. Long story short (it's probably too late), we took the buffalo in for processing. While I was busy in the restroom, Sarah instructed the butcher, Mr. Kroger, she wanted all steaks and I wanted only potatoes. I was just grateful he put them in a sealable bag. Teri passed on the taters, said they tasted 'gamey'.

Have you noticed the sammich theme? You have probably concluded my culinary skills are limited, but you are mistaken. This is all strategy. I usually roll out caviar on my nights to cook and have known to whip up some steak tartar (merely a fancy name for road kill--think about it), but I have to temper my menu as mother-in-law is arriving in a few days. I wanted to show my compassionate side and did not want her to feel intimidated by my kitchen competence. I am all about building up her esteem as undoubtedly her BBQ brisket and homemade enchiladas will put my menu to shame, all intended. Five days and counting...

Inspired by a true story....

Housekeeping....

Dave's Top 10 Discoveries....

1) Women have more clothes than men

2) Dogs shed

3) Technology advancements have not resulted in a quieter vacuum cleaner

4) Cycling shorts left too long in the laundry results in noxious odor

5) I was sent to store for prunes--M&Ms bail (poop)out plan was a failure. Prunes have been renamed to Premium Pitted, Dried Plums Plus--no lie! I am calling Oscar Mayer and proposing Tubular Steaks.

6) Note to men doing laundry--when removing brassieres from the dryer, check the cups--I found a pair of ankle socks nestled today.

7) I cannot iron my silky thongs on the "high" setting.

8) Calling Molly Maids to ask if they have a "businessman special" to include a back massage results in immediate disconnect.

9) Bleach added to 'colored' items produce groovy, tie-dyed underwear, shirts and pants.

10) First day of counseling went well. The counselor called it "Maytag Castrophobia" and reassured me by saying "Dryer balls are your friends".

Inspired by a true story...gotta run..

First Meal !

(click photo to begin drooling)

I was tasked with trying to compete with the hospital's abundant menu choices. So, I prepared well and presented the following fine dining experience to my darling wife.

Entree:
Steaks a la Tubular encased in a French croissant a la cylinder

Side Dish Choices:
Tortillas a la frito cheeps
Cucumbers ala dwarfs

Garnishments:
Mustard a la baby poop-on
Queso con che-dar'
Onie-ahns con teardrops

Dessert:
Vanilla ice cream with a light pink sauce' ala Pepto Bismol

Mission accomplished! Gotta run, Rachel Ray is on the phone for me......

Announcing the arrival of...

Great to have her back at our castle!

I arrived about 9a.m. to go retrieve our patient and she was pretty much set, all dressed back in her civilian clothes with nothing exposed. She stated the doctor had been in and all was set. Although she hadn't had her 'magical M&M moment', the nurse declared her bowels, through the stethoscope, sounded like they were just fine. THROUGH THE STETHOSCOPE?? My wife says mine are too loud and she is in another room. If ever there be a need for a nurse to listen to my bowels that closely, she is risking a perforated ear drum! I digress.

The doc commented that she will probably now fit into smaller clothes-wow! At the pre-op visit last Thursday, she said Teri's belly was the equivalent of a '5 month pregnancy'. In man-speak, a 12-pack a nite belly. I showed great restraint as I was tempted to rebut "maybe 3 months pregnancy, 2 months home-made ice cream maker". But I declare, seeing in her in her capris, it is ALL gone! This is a great deal--a C-section where they found no baby, a tummy tuck without the price--I love health insurance.

So, I went down to the hospital pharmacy and got her Percoset. We then headed home and she requested we swing by the liquid pharmacy, so a Starbucks pumpkin spice accompanied us the rest of the way home.

She is at home resting comfortable enjoying catching up on the 900 pending emails. I told her to enjoy today as the "100 daily sit ups" program starts tomorrow!

Got to go and plan dinner, now that will be an adventure...

Til next time...

Good News....

• Teri just called and they are releasing her this morning! She has not had the magical moment yet, but good to go regardless. I forgot to leave the M&Ms over night, so that is probably the cause.
  

• Next, dryer balls are real, go here to learn more. I assure you I would rather deal with the static electricity versus a static heartbeat. The internet versions are less scarier than the wifely ones. Seriously, I thought she had authored a book on how to "scare straight"your husband into laundry compliance. So, I think the best compromise I will suggest is to drop the flesh colored look.

• We got a good luck at Teri's incision. The surgeon clearly did not excel in geometry.

• Now I am panicked- she is coming home and I am now the chef. Get this--her hospital had Room Service ANYTIME you wanted it--got a craving, give them a call and they were there in minutes. Items like talapia, top sirloin, cheesecake, etc. were all on the menu. So, I am working on the home menu when she arrives. So far:

BREAKFAST: Coffee
LUNCH: Sammich
DINNER: Coffee and sammich

• Laundry--I am for cost cutting and energy savings. Is it an acceptable practice to invert, turn inside out, my whitie-tighties to wear 2 days in a row? Let me know...

• Gotta run, need to go find that vacuum thingy ma jingy...
  

My Princess and My Castle...

Teri....

• Internet Get Well balloons--free--what a deal! Now I just need a laptop to take to her so she can see what I got her..

• Spoke to her via phone prior to arriving at 830 a.m. She said she slept very well, had a good liquid breakfast and was pretty much pain free. Also, she added she was catheter-free. SHUCKS, I wanted to take a quart of cranberry juice and pour it into the discharge container and watch the nurses reaction when she noted the change! (I told you all I needed prayer).

• When I arrived, she was just getting ready to go the potty, which I understand is a good sign. She walked in with minimal assistance and returned to sit down in the chair to hang out with me and watch TV for several hours. Her pain remained insignificant, so they weened her off the morphine and she is now on Percoset. The drugs combined with her first full meal (chicken quesadillas) we believe was going to be a great nap recipe, so Austin and I left her for a few hours. She should go on her 1st significant walk after the nap.

• She is being well taken care of in Denver's newest hospital. They have an admirable vision statement "to become the Best in Nation in compassionate care" which they are truly striving for. BUT, what is up with the hospital gowns? I mean seriously--my wife looks great in anything she wears, but is the only option the "Vicky Secret Full Moon" gown? I get cold chills just looking at her.
  

• Dr. is thinking possible discharge (there is that word again) tomorrow afternoon. I guess one of the true 'back to normal' indicators for this procedure is having a bowel movement. So, when I return tonight, I am taking her some M&Ms as a reward and have my best fatherly "you are such a big girl" voice rehearsed.
  

• Forgot to mention, Teri was happy to hear surgeon did perform the Bikini cut. Of course, that prompted me to think--down the road if I need to have my prostate tampered with,what do I ask for-- "Speedo" cut, "Male Dancer" cut? Help me out with the terminology.
  

On the home front....

• First words out my17 year olds mouth this a.m.--"YOUUU made coffee?"..

• Before starting some housecleaning, I did some internet searching on the benefits of dust to the human body and got--"Your search produced no results"---WHAT!! Google is NOT my friend..

• To Teri's beloved "Ruby Moms" and friends--she had, as of this morning, 391 emails in her mailbox from your group--your task is to get the number up to 1,000 by Wednesday afternoon--the more she has to read, the less she will notice my sub-standard home cleaning..

• And for the BIG NEWS, first check out the photo below...I am not even kidding you, my first wifely order, I mean suggestion, was that I pull the linens from the dryer which she had done prior to surgery and fold them. Lo and behold, what you see in the photo was the first thing that stared at me as I peered into the dryer. Like Paul Revere exalting the British are coming, I came upstairs whooping and a hollering "I found the fibroids, I found the fibroids". I called her immediately to share the revelation. Her response, those are "dryer balls". After giving myself a Lance Armstrong testicular inspection, I then blurted out--- "D R Y E RRRRR BALLS?" Well my lovely Blog followers, a definition is forthcoming on my next update.
  

Clearly your prayers have worked for the love of my life, but I am still a work in progress...til next time....

Yes !

(5) Texas 38, Colorado 14